


Confessions of a Murderer

by xyi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Call Center!Yama, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Murder, Mostly Dialogue, Murderer!Tsukki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-24 01:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13202598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xyi/pseuds/xyi
Summary: ”Confess anything! Whether it’d be your crimes or crushes, everything stays confidential, no authorities involved!”“Hello, you’ve reached the Confession Center, what are your darkest, deepest secrets?”“Yeah, hi. I was wondering, do you think a kitchen knife would look professional when killing someone?”“Hm, well, I mean, if you’re doing it at night it won’t matter since, you know, it’s dark and shit, and they’ll probably be too busy trying to run away to notice.”“Ah, good call thanks!”





	Confessions of a Murderer

“Hello, you’ve reached the Confession Center, what are your deepest, darkest secrets?”

 

**“Yeah, hi. I was wondering, do you think a kitchen knife would look professional when killing someone?”**

 

“Hm, well, I mean, if you’re doing it at night it won’t matter since, you know, it’s dark and shit, and they’ll probably be too busy trying to run away to notice.”

 

**“Ah, good call, thanks!”**

—

“Hello, you’ve-“

 

**“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Anyways, so I have a little problem, my parents started noticing that the kitchen knives are disappearing so I need a back up plan, what weapon do you recommend?”**

 

“Ah, yes, kitchen knife dude. Before I give any advice, why didn’t you just wash the knives after using them?

 

**”Okay, first of all, that shit has killed people, people with _blood_. I’m sorry, but if you didn’t know, I don’t want my carrots being chopped with blood knives!”**

 

“Yes sir, I understood that part, what I meant was why the fuck didn’t you keep using the same damn knife you dumbass.”

 

**”Ah, I love this customer service. Anyways, I don’t know okay? Why  
_can’t_ I use a different knife everytime?”**

 

_beep beep_

—

“Hello, you’ve reached-“

 

**”Oi! You’re not the dude I usually talk to.”**

 

“Ah, well, Yama usually works in this booth but he’s called in sick-“

 

**_beep beep_ **

—

“Hello-“

 

**”God, finally, I’ve been calling non stop for the past three days, I’m honestly having a crisis right now, where the fuck were you?”**

 

“Ah, sorry about that, I’ve had a scratchy throat lately and I didn’t think customers would feel comfortable talking to a person who sounds like they’re on the brink of death and so did my boss.”

 

**“Hm, I don’t know, I don’t really mind it.”**

 

“Yeah, because you fucking put people on the brink of death.”

 

**“Ah, you’re right, anyways. So with the weapon problem, my brother thought of using a gun but I turned it down knowing it would made too much noise.”**

 

“How about a bar or something?”

 

**”Hm, no I need to kill all the witnesses quickly and using a bar would take a couple hits depending on the person and that would give the witnesses too much time to call the police.”**

 

“Use a crowbar, sharpen in the tip and use it to stab.”

 

**“mhm, thanks.”**

—  
“What weapon problems do you have now?”

 

**“Hm, well, it’s actually not about murder this time.”**

 

“What a shock.”

 

**“Ugh, whatever, anyways I _think_ I have a crush?”**

 

“You think?”

 

**“Well, I’m not sure, but anyways. there’s this dude in my class and he’s so fucking adorable I wanna kill him.”**

 

“I don’t think sticking a knife down their throat is considered a confession, more like a statement of hatred.”

 

**“Okay, shut the fuck up. If you’re not gonna help me, hang up the phone.”**

 

_beep beep_

—

**“You’re an ass.”**

 

“You are what you eat.”

 

**“Too much information. I’m serious though, I need help if I don’t get over them soon, I might damage my brain with how much I slam my head against my desk during class when they do something cute.”**

 

“Who said you had to get over them? Just ask them out on a date you coward.”

 

**“Wow, what an easy thing to do, oh-diddly-doo why didn’t I think of that? You dumbass, I don’t wanna embarrass myself.”**

 

“You know what, I really can’t help you since you know, no one has ever confessed to me and I never want to confess to my crush, and I can’t help you get over them either since you know, I haven’t gotten over mine in the past 7 years.”

 

**“Oh! My little call center boy has a crush?”**

 

“Don’t fucking call me that again or I’ll track you down and stick a corpse’s dick down your throat, and what is this, fucking gossip hour?”

 

**”Sigh, you’re no fun.”**

 

“Who said you were any better?”

 

_**beep beep** _

—

“Why the fuck are you calling me at 3am and how the fuck did you get my number?”

 

**“Well, hello to you too, and I got your number because I called the call center agency a couple minutes ago and you know, you didn’t answer so I kind of just asked for your phone number then the dude that answered all my phone calls when you were sick just said ‘Ah, the murderer’ and gave me your number then bang bitch, here I am.”**

 

“Daichi, that little hoe, I’ll murder him.”

 

**“I mean, I can do it if you want, no need to get your hands dirty my dear call center boy.”**

 

“Okay, that’s it, send me your address i’m officially going to shove a dick down your throat.”

 

**“I hope it’s yours, wink wink.”**

 

“I’m about to hang up, what the fuck do you need from me?”

 

**“Oh right, okay anyways, I’m kind of thinking of confessing?”**

 

“...”

 

**“Hello?”**

 

“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?”

 

**“pft, agh, ugh, what?”**

“I mean, you could get rejected, like holy shit, do you really wanna live through that embarrassment for the rest of your life? Like what if you guys accidentally go to the same college or work at the same place one day and you’ll have to see their face everyday and live with the thought that they REJECTED you, but I mean, if you’re peachy with that go ahead you fucking lunatic.” 

**“I can’t believe you, you literally said that I should confess, what the fuck.”**

“Okay, but I only said it because I knew you weren’t gonna go through with it, oh my god.” 

**“Well, fuck, no backing out now, I already texted my friend Kageyama and he‘ll snap my neck if I back out. Now tell what your favourite flowers are.”**

“Why does it have to be the flowers I like?” 

**“Well, shit, it can’t be the flowers I like now can it?”**

“Okay, you know what, if they don’t like Dahlias, don’t suddenly call me to court and sue me for ruining your entire life. Now go the fuck to sleep and leave me alone.” 

_beep beep_

— 

“HOLY SHIT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO ANSWER ASSHOLE.” 

**“Are you fucking kidding me, what do you want?”**

“Okay, well thank you for your enthusiasm I fucking love it. Anyways, the love of my life just came up to me and asked me to meet them behind the gym, I’m having a fucking heart attack, call 911.” 

**“Well shit, congrats, I also just had a heart attack because I just asked _my_ crush to meet me behind the gym.”**

“I wonder what my crush will do.” 

**“Probably bring you flowers or chocolates or sweet shit like that like how any sane person would and confess since who the fuck calls you behind the gym besides to not confess? Trade pokémon cards? Anyways I’d love to gossip more, but I need to eat my lunch, goodbye.”**

**_beep beep_ **

— 

Tsukishima’s hands trembled as he held the bouquet of Dahlias on his right hand, he wondered if Yamaguchi was allergic to chocolate and considered throwing it away before he got here. 

Tsukishima quickly scratched out the idea, he once saw Yamaguchi down a box of chocolate in one sitting by himself. 

Kageyama walked him towards the back of the gym, giving some shitty pep talk during the walk. 

‘God, why am I even friends with him.’ Tsukishima’s thoughts were jumbled, consisting of Yamaguchi’s smile, his favourite foods, a strawberry shortcake recipe and how much he regrets approaching a certain raven haired kid named Kageyama for direction on the first day of high school. 

His thoughts were quickly interrupted by a distant high pitched yell and a timid squeal. 

Tsukishima recognizes that voice anywhere, it’s the kid who hangs onto yamaguchi like a leech, at first, Tsukishima was annoyed at him, jealous of how he was able to be so close to Yamaguchi without a hitch. 

It soon dissipated when the boy came to Tsukishima during lunch one day to ask what kinds of foods Kageyama liked. 

He soon snapped out of his thoughts as he spotted a thin figure approach him. 

“Hey T-Tsukishima.” 

‘Cute,’ Tsukishima thought. 

Tsukishima gently handed him the chocolate and flowers. 

“Hey, uhm, I was wondering if you wanted to, maybe go on a date on saturday?” Tsukishima couldn’t stop the hand that came up and scratched the back of his neck. 

Tsukishima thought he had bought the wrong flowers as Yamaguchi was looking at them like they just spread a nasty rumour about him, and he just found out. 

“Is, something-“ Tsukishima was cut short as Yamaguchi spoke. 

“H-How did you know my favourites were Dahlias?” Tsukishima frowned, not seeing anything wrong with that. 

“Oh, well, I didn’t. I went to a friend for help, I met them through a call center agency and then I told them I was planning on confessing,” Tsukishima could feel his neck and face getting warm at the revelation, “and they told me to get these because it’s their-“ 

“Favourite, holy shit, are you the murderer who won’t use the same damn knife to stab people?” Tsukishima’s eyes went wide with realization, but quickly regained composure and smirked. 

“Are you my call center boy?” Yamaguchi made quick work of kicking Tsukishima’s shins, pleased at the pained moan it caused. 

“I told you not to call me that, I’m gonna shove a fucking dick down your throat, just hope it’s mine and a not a dead corpse’s.” 

Tsukishima was about to say something witty but Yamaguchi kept on talking. 

“Wow, I’m gonna be dating a murderer, that’s so cool, but so creepy, but still cool. Hey, just so we’re clear I don’t have to dig holes for the bodies right?” 

Tsukishima chuckled, but nonetheless responded. 

“No, I have people who do that for me.” 

“Oh, okay! Just so we’re on the same page, yes I would love to go out with you, and pick me up at 3 on saturday! Bye!” 

Yamaguchi spun on his heel and quickly sprinted out of the blonde’s view. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It took me quite a while to write this because I’ve never written something like this, and I wasnt quite sure how to end it? So yeah, the ending was kind of jumbled because it was rushed since I didn’t want to leave it off openly so. Also! Sorry for any mistakes, I only read through this once because the draft was about to be deleted ajdhsh.


End file.
